What Not To Do If You’re Posted to a Hate Site

Unless you’ve been living in your closet (without wifi) for the last several years of your lolita life, you’ve probably encountered at least one of the many viral lolita hate sites. Whether the site is specifically directed towards fostering hate, body-shaming, or just straight-up ‘she made out with a hot dog’ trash talking, they’re out there for every subculture, and lolita fashion is no exception. (No, I’m not going to name names and link links in this article – they don’t need any more publicity!) So, what are you going to do when you see yourself with a ‘so-anonymous’ blackout bar on your eyes, or your friends drop the bomb that you’re getting hate? Here’s what you’re not going to do:

1. You’re not going to freak out.

It’s Sunday morning and you are scrolling through the secrets community, laughing at whatever weird brand faux-pas have been committed now, when all of a sudden, you spit out your cornflakes. That is a photo of YOU – someone took a photo of you, at that meetup, doing that thing, at that place, and they have scribbled obscenities all over it!

I know what you really want to do is rant out on your Tumblr, or leave a huge string of comments, or make a video of you crying like Chris Crocker, but that’s not the answer. For now, make yourself a cup of tea and step away from the computer. Go pet your cat, play a round of violent video games… even ones where you can bitchslap Victorian ladies.

2. You’re not going to feed the trolls.

There are lots of reason someone decided to make a bad MS paint secret, post, or journal rant about you. Maybe they’re insecure about how they look or dress, maybe they’re jealous of you, maybe they have their own issues… maybe you just butt heads with this other person. But what they really want to gain from saying anonymous, ugly stuff about you online, is for you to get upset. They want you to react. The worst thing you can do to encourage more hate postings is to get involved and give everyone a catfight to watch. When it comes to hate or even just rumors, the best thing to do is ignore them. If someone spread a rumor that the Queen of England looked fat, do you think she’d run outside and start telling everyone how she’s not fat? Nope.

 

3. You’re not going to give up.

I know that getting posted to hate communities hurts. There’s no way around it, it sucks to have people point out your real or imagined flaws. I mean, a girl suggested once that she’d like to brain me with a toilet seat. Does that make me feel warm and sparkly inside? No, of course not.

But here’s the deal – if you let it haunt you, if you decide to sell all your lolita clothes and never see another lolita site for the rest of your life, guess what? They win. The haters are trying to intimidate you. They want you to feel bad enough about yourself, to believe so deeply the lies they’re spreading about you, that you give up.

So every time you pull up your unicorn-printed socks, head to a meetup, or post your outfit shots, regardless of what the haters may or may not think, you’re winning. Trust me.

  • Caroline Cherry

    I got told by a friend today that I had been posted to a hate site. She sent me a link because my boyfriend wanted to check it out for me, he did, he remarked how stupid people are, and we went on with our day. This is a great article – I love how you summed up so simply how to deal with this kind of thing.

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I’m glad you enjoyed the post, sad you got posted :( Good for you to just let it roll off your back. Keep calm & ruffle on!

  • Tanaie

    Ah! Good post! Personally, I really quite enjoy reading these communities.
    I like reading about the funny, hypocritical and sometimes ridiculous things that happen within’ the community, and about the odd pieces that brands release.
    Even the personal posts are really good.

    But of course…The blatant hate posts, and “BLAAAH U AN ITA” always ruins it though.
     

    Hehe…I got posted on one of “those” sites before.

    I posted a silly picture on my review for a few bodyline items I got on EGL.
    Y’know, for the luls.

    And THAT picture ended up getting posted. Lol
    The worst part about it though, was that the only this anon posted me, was because I was “black.”

    Like seriously? I wasn’t even charged with “having a bad cord”, or anything of the sort. Only because of my skin colour. *Sigh*

    Luckily though, I had like an ARMY of girls coming to defend me in the comments.
    ^_^ ♥

    … Although their are a few bad apples, I think the lolita community is truly kind.

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I used to enjoy reading the secrets until the blatant hate began. Not only that, as I meet more lolitas around the world, the more I end up seeing my friends posted to these hate sites! That’s what’s really frustrating.

      You’re not the first I’m hearing about getting hate for your skin color. That gets me pretty mad – that we have those types of ignorant people in the community. 

      I do think though, that the majority of lolitas are good people, and that so many people came to your defense. I’m really glad to hear you think so too 
      ♥  

  • http://www.facebook.com/kathleen.sweitzer.1 Kathleen Sweitzer

    Thanks for this. My blog was recently splashed all over 4-chan and while I couldn’t find the exact mention of it, I did have a lot of rude comments which were thankfully screened. It hurt, but I’m a strong Lolita and I won’t let it stop me.

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I’m sorry to here you got a lot of negative comments, honey :( Keep your chin up!

  • http://kelstkd.blogspot.com/ theEmocarebear

    Such good advice – no matter the subculture you’re in.
    The goth/alt. subculture I’m in gets a lot of hate from people, and it truly is just easier to keep chill, stand up for yourself, and not let it get to you.

    I hope everyone reading takes this to heart! :D

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I’m glad this article is good across all subcultures!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=823158534 Jasmine Walsh

    This post is amazing. I actually quit lolita for a year because all the hate (not specifically directed at me, but just in general) made me feel like I was too tall, too busty, too brown, too poor  to wear lolita. I’ve only been back for a few months now, and have yet to wear my lolita out of my house yet but I feel better already! I will be making my debut at a meet-up in October and I couldn’t be more excited!

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I am really sad that a lot of girls are telling me they’re getting hate for their skin tone/race in lolita. No matter what color you are, anyone can enjoy lolita. I’m so happy to hear, though, that you got back on the proverbial horse and you’re going to try again! Don’t give up!

  • Arika Kimsey

    You’re amazing for the community, thank you and please keep up the good work.

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      Thank you Arika!! That means a lot to me – it inspires me to keep writing! ♡

  • Pie

    Love this post, wish it had been around six years ago when I first got into lolita….I innocently posted on egl for some tips, and I was attacked by the ‘holier-than-thou’ lolitas. End of my lolita phase! [Lasted for one day. Whoop.]

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I’m sorry to hear you got scared off! Do you wear other kinds of j-fashion or pastel fashion today?

      • Gyaru-junkie

         Gyaru =) But I’m still too nervous to post online! Once bitten, twice shy =(

  • http://www.purplesandpinks.blogspot.com/ Wanda

    I would like to say “good on you!” for creating this post. I find it truly sad that people would be willing to wail on other people for the heck of it. Is it really that hard to get along? Apparently so. :( Hater’s gonna hate…  

  • Darkling13579

    I’m really glad that you highlighted other options than the usual “OMGJEALOUSY!!111″ for hate sites. I do want to point out one thing, though. A lot of us who post on sites like /cgl/ (not so much on btb apparently) DO NOT want them to see it. That way their feelings don’t get hurt and the in some cases the target behavior is amusing and we don’t want it to stop, which it would if they saw it, and we can still have our field day.

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I definitely think that the ‘omgjealousy!!1!’ motive is not the only reason that girls pour the tea on hate sites. I get it – sometimes you don’t like a person, online or in person. Maybe they ruined your meetup, maybe their posts irritate you, maybe you think they’re a terrible dresser. We all gossip. Girls gossiping is how we connect, grow our relationships, and learn valuable information for ‘survival’. I know what it’s like to want to – and enjoy – smack-talking other girls with your friends. We’re all human.

      But I think that saying you don’t want others to see it is a bit odd… Unless it’s a locked forum, a private chat, or you and your friends hanging out, they mostly will come across it or hear about it at some time. /cgl/ is anonymous, but the information isn’t protected in any way. And when it comes to be lolita secrets or behind the bows or whatever they’re calling it now, I think they’re outright hoping that girls will see personal attacks. I hadn’t heard before the idea that people wouldn’t want others to see their hater threads, and while I see your reasoning, it just doesn’t seem logical that girls wouldn’t want someone to see it but at the same time, have no measures in place to stop them.

  • Safryemitchell

    Hi, I’m part of the Goth community, but I found this article on a blog that I follow (Juliet’s Lace) and simply loved it. We have our own hate bloggers (one in particular that is really annoying) and I’ve seen time and time again other bloggers dedicating an entire post to how vile this person is. And I know that person is trolling away just loving the attention they’re getting. Really love what you’ve said here. Do you mind if I link it to my blog?

    • http://www.parfaitdoll.com Victoria Suzanne Stella Alice

      I checked out the blog you mentioned and it was really great! I’m far from Goth, but it was a great blog :) 

      I’m really glad to see lots of girls connecting with this material, even outside the lolita world. Please, link away!~ I love when my posts travel :)

  • Amandasaller

    É uma perda de tempo isso aqui… nada que se aproveite. Pessoas revoltadas e colocam defeitos nos outros ? Coisa mais ridícula. Pensei ser  muito lindas as Lolitas e vejo que muitas são podres por dentro e tentam disfarçar o seu carater dando uma de menininha bonitinha vestidas de Lolitas. Horrorosas essas postagens, não acrescenta nada a ninguem apenas fere a pessoa que está aqui. PORQUE SÃO ASSIM AS LOLITAS… DEMONIADAS  ?  Que tal um post falando de voce querida, mas a verdade mesmo… vai tapar a cara de tanta vergonha. BICHONA RIDICULA ! 

  • Amandasaller

    DA NOJO VOCES TODOS DAQUI !    BISCATINHAS COM CERTEZA !

  • Kat E

    I’m scared of joining the community for this exact reason!