Unless you’ve been living in your closet (without wifi) for the last several years of your lolita life, you’ve probably encountered at least one of the many viral lolita hate sites. Whether the site is specifically directed towards fostering hate, body-shaming, or just straight-up ‘she made out with a hot dog’ trash talking, they’re out there for every subculture, and lolita fashion is no exception. (No, I’m not going to name names and link links in this article – they don’t need any more publicity!) So, what are you going to do when you see yourself with a ‘so-anonymous’ blackout bar on your eyes, or your friends drop the bomb that you’re getting hate? Here’s what you’re not going to do:

1. You’re not going to freak out.

It’s Sunday morning and you are scrolling through the secrets community, laughing at whatever weird brand faux-pas have been committed now, when all of a sudden, you spit out your cornflakes. That is a photo of YOU – someone took a photo of you, at that meetup, doing that thing, at that place, and they have scribbled obscenities all over it!

I know what you really want to do is rant out on your Tumblr, or leave a huge string of comments, or make a video of you crying like Chris Crocker, but that’s not the answer. For now, make yourself a cup of tea and step away from the computer. Go pet your cat, play a round of violent video games… even ones where you can bitchslap Victorian ladies.

2. You’re not going to feed the trolls.

There are lots of reason someone decided to make a bad MS paint secret, post, or journal rant about you. Maybe they’re insecure about how they look or dress, maybe they’re jealous of you, maybe they have their own issues… maybe you just butt heads with this other person. But what they really want to gain from saying anonymous, ugly stuff about you online, is for you to get upset. They want you to react. The worst thing you can do to encourage more hate postings is to get involved and give everyone a catfight to watch. When it comes to hate or even just rumors, the best thing to do is ignore them. If someone spread a rumor that the Queen of England looked fat, do you think she’d run outside and start telling everyone how she’s not fat? Nope.

3. You’re not going to give up.

I know that getting posted to hate communities hurts. There’s no way around it, it sucks to have people point out your real or imagined flaws. I mean, a girl suggested once that she’d like to brain me with a toilet seat. Does that make me feel warm and sparkly inside? No, of course not.

But here’s the deal – if you let it haunt you, if you decide to sell all your lolita clothes and never see another lolita site for the rest of your life, guess what? They win. The haters are trying to intimidate you. They want you to feel bad enough about yourself, to believe so deeply the lies they’re spreading about you, that you give up.

So every time you pull up your unicorn-printed socks, head to a meetup, or post your outfit shots, regardless of what the haters may or may not think, you’re winning. Trust me.